DARIA'S LANE Excerpt 02: “Cue, Cut and Cute”
by Ace Trax
Summary: While Daria learns about several versions from the TrinityJesse Story, Zane teaches Quinn an important lesson inside the boys room.
1. Chapter 1

The Alternate Daria Series:   
"DARIA'S LANE" 

Excerpt 02:   
"Cue, Cut and Cute" 

  
  
  
  
  


INTRODUCTION:   
What if: Jane was born as a boy and Trent was born as a girl?This episode follows the events of excerpt 01: "Party me Hardly" 

AUTHOR'S NOTES:   
This fanfiction is modelled after the original Daria Episode 109 "Too Cute" written by Larry Doyle. I have used the actual script, which I have used/borrowed/stolen without permission from "Outpost Daria". That is why certain dialogues and events are repeated, but not all.   
  


_OPENING SEQUENCE_   
_MUSIC: "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK" BY SPLENDORA_   
  


EXT. LAWNDALE SHOPPING DISTRICT – MORNING   
_Zane Lane with an ugly "Hunchback-of-Notre Dame" make-up is goofing around in the streets and scaring little children, who are walking with their mothers._

ZANE: _(singing in the hideous tune of the Beatles Song "I'm the Walrus")_   
"This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef. And this little piggy had none. And this little piggy went WOOOO! 

_The little children start to cry, while the mothers are protesting. Soon a police car pulls up the street._   


_CUT TO:_   
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – ENGLISH CLASS WITH MS. LANE – DAY   
_Trinity sits at the teacher's desk. She had put her hands and on her lap and is asleep. The class is quite and is reading non-school literature or writing notes to each other._

_PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF TRININTY:_   
_Her chest moves softly up and down while sleeps._

_PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF JOEY:_

JOEY VOICE OVER:   
Heh, heh, heh. Now I can pretend to read some comics but actually make my homework. Quinn shouldn't think I am a brain… Damn, why does she have to date Jeffy today?…   
_(he looks up)_   
Ms. Lane is actually a good substitute. We let her sleep and she lets us do everything we want, as long we don't make noise… she is also kinda cute.   
_(He gets a dreamy look in his eyes.)_   
Trinity. 

_PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF JEFFY:_

JEFFY VOICE OVER:   
Heh, heh, heh. Now I can pretend to make my homework but actually read some comics. Quinn shouldn't think I am a lame-brain… Damn, why does she have to date Jamie today?…   
_(he looks up)_   
Ms. Lane is quite a hottie, and she is the best substitute I ever had.   
_(He gets a dreamy look in his eyes.)_   
Trinity. 

_PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF JAMIE:_

JAMIE VOICE OVER:   
_(He has a dreamy look in his eyes.)_   
Oh yes Trinity, breath in, breath out. In and out, in and out. Oh, let me be yours!... Actually I don't care that Quinn is dating Joey today. 

_PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF STACY:_

STACY VOICE OVER:   
Brook looks *so* cute after she has got that nose job at Dr. Shar. Dr. Shar is the best! All the pretty girls in Lawndale visit her to get a nose job… and a boob job… and a butt job… and a face-lift… and a…. 

_PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF QUINN:_

QUINN VOICE OVER:   
Eww! All I said was that Brook's nose was cute. And then that … Sandi comes and claims I didn't meant it serious! And because I was thinking for a second, I didn't just say it, that is was cute without thinking. And then that … Sandi accuses me that I think they are shallow because they have said it was cute… What for a … . 

_PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF SANDI:_

SANDI VOICE OVER:   
And then comes Brooke with her new cute nose, and Quinn just says: "Oh, it's cute." Like: "My high nose-standards are not impressed." Now look at that … Quinn, with her bouncy hair and her perfect nose. Everything what she does, everything what she says, points out that she is cuter than all the other girls. Quinn cute here! Quinn cute there! She always has to rub that in. She gets all the boys, and don't even bother to date them! What for a … ! That's not fair. But that will soon change! Brooke's shown us what miracles Plastic Surgery can do… 

_PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF TIFFANY:_

TIFFANY VOICE OVER:   
When (b*c)-v = x – 1, then… 

_The school bell rings and makes Trinity to leap up._

TRINITY:   
Eep!!!… Oh… yeah… Class dismissed. 

_All leave while she stretches, then she falls again to sleep. She doesn't notice that the 3 J's are goggling at her from a save distance._   


_SOME TIME LATER:_   
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – SCIENCE CLASS WITH MS. BARCH 

BARCH: _(grinning malicious)_   
And since Mr. Lane hasn't turn up today to report about the perception of attractiveness on human behavior. I am going to give that so-called Track-Star an "F… 

_The door opens and Zane, still with his "Hunchback-of-Notre Dame" make-up, comes in._

BARCH:   
Ah Mr. Lane. Is your ego crushed… I mean: Is the experiment over.... 

_She spots 2 police officers (a Latino-American male and a Afro-American female), which are standing behind Zane._

FEMALE AFRO-AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:   
Are you Ms. Janette Barch? The teacher of Mr. Zane Lane. 

BARCH:   
Yes. 

MALE LATINO-AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:   
Did you willfully and with malice aforethought. Forced this man to perform a social science project with intent to cause a breach of the peace in the Lawndale Shopping District from last Monday on? 

BARCH: _(She glares at Zane, who is mocking an innocent victim.)_   
No?!?? 

FEMALE AFRO-AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER: _(she pulls out some school papers)_   
Then why is there written prove? Ma'am, we would like you to follow us for further inquiries to the station... 

_Ms. Barch turns to Zane and kills him in her mind. Then she turns to the rest of the class._

BARCH:   
Read the current chapter finish! I'll be back! 

_Ms. Barch follows the officers out of the class. As soon she is gone, the boys of the class start to cheer._   
_Triumphal Zane walks to his seat, receiving high-fives from his class. Meanwhile most of the students decides to continue the lesson in the cafeteria. He passes Daria._

ZANE: _(to her, still with his "Hunchback-of-Notre Dame" make-up)_   
*Boo*! 

_She doesn't react, packs her books in and walks out of class, not dropping a word. Zane glares behind her._   


_SOME TIME LATER:_   
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – EMPTY ENGLISH CLASS WITH MS. LANE – DAY   
Trinity is still asleep. Then the door opens and Zane, without his hideous make-up, steps in. Trinity leaps up. 

TRINITY:   
Huh!!! Hey, Zaney. 

ZANE:   
Aren't you worried, that Ms. Li fires you, when she catches you sleeping? 

TRINITY:_ (she stretches)_   
First she has to catch me… is school over yet? 

ZANE:   
No, my science lesson fell out. 

_Zane notice a little envelope hidden discreet in front of her. He opens it and finds a pink paper with a love poem._

ZANE:   
Oh, la, la… You have got a secret admirer. It's signed with: "J". 

TRINITY: _(takes the poem and glances at it)_   
Do I? Cool.   
_(She picks up her bag and notices a tiny box of chocolate. She opens its cover.)_   
This here is also sign with "J".   


EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH – PARKING LOT   
_They both walk out the School. Zane is comparing the handwritings, while they walk to Trinity's car._

ZANE:   
They are not identical. You have got 2 stalkers. 

TRINITY:   
Why do you care? 

ZANE:   
I somehow feel obliged to protect your *virtue* for the honor of our family… Although I'm 8 years too late. 

TRINITY: _(glares at him)_   
7. 

_They arrive at her car. There is a red rose and a note lying on the drivers seat._

ZANE: _(deadpan)_   
Must be mating season. 

TRINITY: _(she picks up the flower and reads out loud from the note)_   
"Let me be your teddy bear. J." 

ZANE: _(puzzled)_   
That's now 3 J's… 3 J's???   
_(an evil smirk unfolds on his face)_   
3 J's!!! 

TRINITY: _(rolls her eyes)_   
Whatever… Do what you like. I go home. By the way: Later I pick up Daria, I'm driving her to a bookstore. 

ZANE: _(astonish)_   
A bookstore? I thought you couldn't set a foot in a bookstore! 

TRINITY:   
It is a drive-in bookstore… Why don't you come with us? 

ZANE:   
Nah. Daria hates me. 

TRINITY:   
How come? 

ZANE:   
Do you remember? I made her "keg queen" of Middleton College and I burned her Melody Powers essays by mistake, I blackmail her to model, I deprogram her science-project-mouse, I published a photo of her with braids… 

TRINITY:   
And do you hate her? 

ZANE:   
Well, she puked over me at the Mall of the Millennium, but… 

LI OFF SCREEN:   
Ms. Lane! Wait! This is an emergency! 

_Ms. Li and Quinn, who has got her hands on her stomach, walk up to them. Far behind, Daria is following them._

LI:   
Our student Quinn Morgendorffer suddenly has developed acute cramps and need medical attention at her personal specialist. Her sister… 

QUINN:   
COUSIN! 

LI:   
Her cousin is assisting her at this critical moment. 

QUINN: _(fakes a stomach cramp)_   
Yes.... Ouch. 

DARIA: _(she finally joins them)_   
Principal Li. I am very please to see how concerned you are, diverting any reason for legal actions from this school. 

LI:   
Ms. Morgendorffer. I disagree with your standpoint but this is an act of first aid and… Hold on! A lawsuit?… I must check this up in my office. Ms Lane, I order you to drive her from my school property! 

_Ms. Li hurries back into school. Daria turns to Zane and looks at his face._

DARIA: _(pretends to be frightened in her usual deadpan attitude)_   
Eep! 

ZANE:   
Huh? 

DARIA: _(she smirks)_   
What have you done with you face? You look like a freak. 

TRINITY:   
I don't get it. 

DARIA:   
Private joke. 

ZANE: _(snide)_   
Yeah, it is so private that nobody can share it with you. 

_He puts his hands in his pocket and walks off. Meanwhile Quinn climbs into Trinity's car._

QUINN:   
Haven't you heard from your boss? Let's go! 

TRINITY:   
Sure Daria's sister. 

QUINN:   
Ughhh! 

DARIA: _(to Quinn)_   
Who is the personal specialist for your acute cramps? 

QUINN:   
Dr. Shar. 

DARIA: _(rolls her eyes)_   
Dr. Shar?!! The Shah of Rhinoplastia! Uhh Trinity? Could you please talk some sense into her? 

TRINITY:   
Sure. You shouldn't mess around with nature to look good. 

QUINN:   
Oh yeah? Having a nose job is like having a tattoo! 

TRINITY:   
Hey Daria! That's a damn good argument. 

DARIA:   
Why do I bother?   


_LATER:_   
EXT. THE RX PLEX – PARKING LOT – DAY   
_Trinity's car parks in front of the "Rx Plex", which is something like a Wellness Mall. With aromatherapy, Mantra-workrooms, underwater massages, sunbath studios, tattoo studio and tattoo removal studios… etc. Not to mention a wide pallet of cosmetic surgery… Among them the notorious infamous Dr. Shar._

DARIA: _(she opens the door for Quinn)_   
All right. Get yourself some eyebrow ridges and a large sloping forehead. 

QUINN:   
Uh… Daria? 

DARIA: _(annoyed)_   
What? 

QUINN: _(wary)_   
Can you come with me? 

DARIA:   
HUH? 

QUINN: _(she glances at her like an adorable puppy)_   
I just need you here, okay? 

DARIA:   
Uh, okay. But when somebody sees me, I claim that you have paid me. 

QUINN:   
Good plan. 

_Daria and Quinn get out the car._

TRINITY: _(to Daria)_   
That is cute of you accompanying your sis'. 

DARIA:   
Humpf! Thank you for driving us Trinity. 

TRINITY:   
No problem. Shall I wait? 

DARIA:   
That's not necessary… 

_She notices how Trinity has fallen asleep._   


_SOME TIME LATER:_   
EXT. THE RX PLEX – PARKING LOT – AFTERNOON   
_Trinity wakes up and sees how Daria just came out of the building with a little gray boy. Trinity gets out the car to stretch her legs._

TRINITY: _(looks at the box)_   
Are the remains of Quinn inside? 

DARIA: _(deadpan)_   
Am I smiling? --- Quinn is still upstairs, waiting for some wallet-sized computer printouts. This Dr. Shar has got software, which enables her to perform virtual plastic surgery. She scans your picture, alters some face vectors and TAH-DAH! Michael Jackson is looking upon you. Guess what: She made one of me too. 

_Daria pulls from her pocket a computer printout. It shows Daria with a face like Quinn._

TRINITY:   
I just have got material for a whole new song! So, what is in that box? 

DARIA:   
Don't know. It's a present from Dr. Shar. She says it would change my attitude.   
_(She opens it and takes out a silicon ball. She reads out loud from the packing.)_   
"Dr. Shar's pre-implant temporary breast augmentations, for evaluation only."   
_(sarcastic)_   
Oh yeah, she's got my number all right. Just what I needed: Practice boobs. Cool. 

TRINITY: _(in a professional tone)_   
Well in the beginning they do feel cold, but then after 3 minutes… Uhhh…forget what I have said. 

DARIA: _(she glances skeptic at her)_   
Yes… 

_Some persons come out the building. A guy with a nose ring and a baldhead walks up to them._

MAX:   
Trinity? 

TRINITY:   
Whoa Max! 

MAX:   
Whoohooo Trinity! My old girl! I didn't see you for years! 

_She hugs him and gives him a peck._   
_A guy with blonde/red/something-in-between hair colour walks up to them._

NICK:   
Trinity! 

TRINITY:   
Hey Nick! 

NICK:   
Trinity. This is great! How long is it has been? 

_She hugs him and gives him a peck._

TRINITY:   
What are you guys doing here? 

NICK:   
We're here to get Max's tattoo removed. His girlfriend has left. 

MAX:   
Rubbish! I got it removed because my Dad would have cut my allowance… I mean: Yes! It's because a girl. 

NICK:   
We had to come with to give him moral support. You know how he gets when he sees a needle. 

MAX: _(indignant)_   
HEY! 

TRINITY: _(she turns to Daria)_   
Nick and Max used to be in a band with me.   
_(she turns to Max and Nick)_   
May I introduce you my friend Daria. 

MAX AND NICK:   
Hey Daria. 

DARIA:   
Hi. 

TRINITY:   
Daria's like the coolest high-schooler I know… 

_A handsome guy with brown curly hair, black leather vest and pants, but no shirt turns up._

NICK:   
Hey Jesse! Look who is here! 

MAX:   
Our old friend Trinity! 

JESSE:   
… 

TRINITY:   
… 

_pause_

TRINITY: _(flatly)_   
Hey. 

JESSE: _(flatly)_   
Hey. 

_Painful silence._   
_Meanwhile Max and Nick roll their eyes. Daria is bewildered._   
  


_END CHAPTER 1_

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_COMMERCIAL BREAK_   
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	2. Chapter 2

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_COMMERCIAL BREAK_   
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_BEGIN CHAPTER 2_   
  


EXT. THE RX PLEX – PARKING LOT – AFTERNOON   
_Daria, Trinity and her former band colleagues Max, Nick and Jesse are talking._

MAX:   
… So after our World Tour in South Dakota, came our World Tour in North Dakota… 

_Daria notices that Trinity and Jesse are trying to ignore each other. Then Jesse says abruptly:_

JESSE:   
I better get "The Tank". 

_He walks off._

DARIA:   
The Tank? 

MAX:   
Yes my van: "The Tank"! It's indestructible. It has survived Dakota! 

NICK: _(He waits until Jesse has left.)_   
You know: We are looking for a new lead guitarist. 

MAX:   
Yeah. Our old one got a record deal… I mean: He sucked so we throw him out! 

TRINITY: _(she stares at them, then she glances quick into the direction in which Jesse left)_   
Good luck guys! I hope you find a replacement. 

_She gets back into the car._

NICK:   
We have an audition at the Zon this Thursday. You can drop by, when you want. 

MAX:   
Yeah, it would be like the old days. Jesse wouldn't mind…   
_(Nick elbows him in the rips.)_   
OW! 

TRINITY: _(staring at the steering wheel)_   
Yes. Bye 

_They both walk off. Trinity turns to Daria._

TRINITY:   
Uh… Daria. I need to be alone. 

DARIA:   
Never mind. I take the bus. 

_Trinity drives off._   


_SOME TIME LATER:_   
EXT. LAWNDALE – BUS TERMINAL – DAY   
_Daria and Quinn exit a bus and walk side by side. Quinn is goggling at computer printouts, while Daria is thinking about Trinity's odd behavior._

QUINN:   
I need 6000$ to be cute! Still, I must be glad, I haven't got your face, since then it would cost me 20'000$ to become cute. 

DARIA: _(glares at her and then she glances at her own computer print-out)_   
Presumably with 26'000$ I can look like you. Hmm, if we lend 32'000$ from a Bank, we can become the new Olsen Sisters and pay the money back. 

QUINN:   
Who in the world would want to see us both in a TV show? Sorry Daria, but you haven't got the *personality* to be a Star. 

DARIA: _(sinister)_   
The same they said about Charlie Manson. 

_Suddenly a huge van drives up beside them. Max and Nick look out the window._

MAX:   
Hey you… 

QUINN:   
Push off guys! I don't date people right of the streets… 

NICK:   
No! We are talking to her. 

QUINN:   
What??? 

DARIA: _(she smirks at her)_   
Look Quinn! I'm chatted up by strange men in the streets. 

QUINN:   
OH no! My cuteness is fading! I need to check my make-up! 

_She runs into the lady's room of the bus terminal._

DARIA:   
What do you want? 

MAX:   
You are a close friend of Trinity, right? 

NICK:   
Could you persuade her to meet us at the Zon? 

DARIA:   
You want her back in your band? 

NICK:   
Yeah. We offer you free backstage cards to all our concerts, when you can talk her into seeing us again. 

DARIA:   
Maybe, she doesn't want to come back. 

MAX:   
She does! She is an artist, not a teacher! We were the greatest band of Lawndale, before she left. 

DARIA: _(she peaks inside the van)_   
Where's the third man, Jesse? 

NICK:   
We drop him off before, but he would welcome her back too. 

DARIA: _(cautious)_   
Was there something between Trinity and Jesse? 

MAX:   
Of course! They were both the best friends and great songwriters. They spend every minute with another. They were the core of our band, man. The eye of the hurricane. The peanut in the butter… the academy in the police… 

NICK: _(cuts in)_   
Yes! And suddenly after High School she left the band and went to Middleton College. She never told us why. 

DARIA: _(curious)_   
What about Jesse? 

MAX:   
Jesse never gave us an explanation, why she left. But when you ask me: I think it was because of him. 

NICK: _(he sights)_   
It's a sad story: They got drunk and had an affair. She got pregnant from him, but then she suffered a miscarriage, after that trauma they… 

_Daria couldn't believe her ears. Neither does Max._

MAX: _(aghast)_   
B**LS**T! Who told you that c**p? 

NICK:   
I've got it from Monique. 

MAX:   
Do you really believe all those fairy tales that b***h Monique let out??!! What happened was: Jesse fall in love with Trinity, but she couldn't respond his feelings, because she is… a lesbian. 

_Again Daria couldn't believe her ears. Neither does Nick._

NICK:   
B**L**KS! Trinity is NOT gay! 

MAX:   
She is! 

NICK:   
She's not! 

MAX:   
She is, because she never hit on me. 

NICK:   
She never hit on you, because you are a *namby-pamby* *nincompoop*. 

MAX:   
That is not true! 

NICK:   
A *wimpy*, *weedy*, *woodenhead* *weenie*. She suffered from a miscarriage! 

MAX:   
She is a lesbian! 

NICK:   
Miscarriage! 

MAX:   
Lesbian! 

_While they start to wrestle inside the van, Daria rolls her eyes and hoped that Quinn wouldn't walk out._

DARIA:   
Guys! GUYS!   
_(Max and Nick stop)_   
I talk to Trinity, but I guarantee nothing. 

MAX:   
Please do it for the sake of our band: Maximum Spiral! 

NICK:   
No, Mystic Nickel!! 

MAX:   
MAXIMUM SPIRAL!!! 

NICK:   
MYSTIC NICKEL!!!! 

_They start to push each other, and then they again wrestle inside the van. Quinn comes out the ladies room._

DARIA: _(she smirks again at her)_   
Look Quinn! Now they are fighting over me. 

QUINN:   
EWWW! 

_She runs back into the ladies room._   


_NEXT DAY:_   
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR   
_Zane walks up to Daria, who stands at her open locker._

ZANE: _(solemn)_   
Trinity told me everything what happened yesterday. 

DARIA: _(wary)_   
Uh huh? 

ZANE: _(with a dirty smile)_   
Well come on! Where are they? 

DARIA:   
What?!? 

ZANE:   
Oh Daria, don't be shy! Show me your boobs! 

_Daria furiously glares at him. But to avoid any further childish confrontations, she decided to give in. She sights, pulls out the little box from her locker and opens it in front of Zane's face._

ZANE:   
Hmm.   
  
He has a "Why-did-I-think-this-would-be-more-interesting?" expression on his face.   
But then he smirks and reaches into the box. 

ZANE:   
Whoa! They are so big, soft, juicy and warm. 

DARIA: _(She closes the box with a snap, Zane manages to pull out his fingers in time.)_   
Cut that out! 

ZANE:   
Shouldn't they be implanted first? 

_Daria notice that he has pulled out one faked boob. Zane looks up and sees Upchuck, walking towards them._

ZANE:   
Hey Upchuck! Catch! 

_He throws it and Upchuck catches it._

UPCHUCK: _(looks at it)_   
Hmm. Call me country-bumpkin, but what is it? 

ZANE:   
It's a fake boob. 

UPCHUCK: _(he throws it back and runs away)_   
EWW! 

ZANE: _(he give the fake boob back to Daria)_   
One day he's going to be ready for a physical relationship. It's my predestination to prevent that doomsday. 

DARIA: _(She rolls her eyes, puts the box back into her locker and closes it.)_   
Zane, can we talk? 

_Zane raises both his eyebrows._

DARIA:   
… I mean: About Trinity. She didn't turn up today at school to sleep. 

ZANE:   
Yeah, she's acting strange. Yesterday she went at 10 p.m. to bed. Do you have an idea? 

DARIA:   
I was with her yesterday, when she met her old band. 

ZANE:   
Yes. She told me about that… Was she behaving weird to a guy called Jesse? 

DARIA:   
Yeah. 

ZANE: _(rolls his eyes)_   
I don't believe it! The same old story since 1993! 

DARIA:   
What? 

ZANE:   
Well… Trinity and Jesse were friends since early childhood. And then… in High School… well… they fall in love with each other. 

DARIA:   
Uh huh. 

ZANE:   
But their parents were against it. Because… back the Seventies … before AIDS… wife-swapping was pretty common in Lawndale. 

_Aghast Daria looks at him with wide eyes._

ZANE:   
Yo! They are biological half-sister and half-brother. 

_Daria's jaw just drops down… but then she takes her close look at Zane's face: He was trying not to laugh._   
_She rolls her eyes…_

DARIA:   
Very disgusting Zane! 

_Due the sick joke before, Zane bursts out into laughter, while Daria rolls her eyes and glares at him._

DARIA:   
You're sick. 

ZANE: _(he stops chuckling)_   
I must be, I am talking to you… 

_Without a word Daria turns around and walks to the exit._

ZANE: _(behind her)_   
Why are you asking? You aren't busybody, are you? 

_Daria stops and turns around._

DARIA:   
I am concerned about Trinity. 

ZANE:   
Since when you are concerned about anyone? 

DARIA:   
She is my only friend here. And to be honest, she is like my sister… I mean the sister I should have had. 

ZANE:   
Now that's *cute*. 

_Daria and Zane notice Quinn. She carries a notice board and talks to a couple of students._

QUINN:   
So you see, when you contribute to my surgery, it's like we're all sharing my surgery. You get to look at me walking around like this all day. It's not even like I'm doing that for me. I bring honor to the Lawndale High. 

DARIA:   
On the other hand Quinn is like the sister you would have *deserved*. 

ZANE:   
What folly is she into now? 

DARIA:   
She has started a collection for her beauty operation. 

ZANE:   
Sheesh! 

DARIA:   
By the way: Yesterday, Max and Nick asked me, if I could talk Trinity to join again their band. They also had some wild stories about Trinity and Jesse. 

ZANE:   
Yeah, there are a lot of freaky gossips around, but they aren't true. They didn't even seem to had ever a crush on each other… but… I can't tell you. It's confidential. 

DARIA:   
Since when you care about something confidential? 

ZANE:   
Hey! She is my sis'… All right Daria, in confidence: She never told me, what actually went on between them. It must be private girlie stuff. So: Why don't you ask her yourself? 

DARIA:   
I will… … bye 

_Zane watches how Daria leaves. Then he walks up to Quinn._   
  


_END CHAPTER 2___

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	3. Chapter 3

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_BEGIN CHAPTER 3_   
  


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR   
_Zane walks up to Quinn, who stands now alone._

ZANE:   
Hey Quinn! Can we talk? 

QUINN:   
No. Unless you contribute to my surgery. 

ZANE   
What would you say, when I tell you, how to make a fortune by simply lying on your back? 

_Quinn gets a sick and sordid idea._

QUINN: _(she blushes and almost explodes)_   
… You… you immoral… I'd rather die! 

ZANE: _(with a dirty smirk)_   
Nah. With the right doctors there's no risk at all. 

QUINN:   
What? 

ZANE:   
You sell one of your kidneys in an Internet auction. They pay thousands… even ten thousands, if you've got a rare blood type. Then you lie under the knife, loose an organ and receive a new face. You even loose weight. 

QUINN: _(she gets the picture and calms down)_   
Ah *yes*… I *knew* that. 

ZANE: _(smirking)_   
So, why were you so ticked off before? 

QUINN: _(annoyed)_   
Nothing, nothing… But I don't know: Selling parts of my body? 

ZANE:   
An alternative would be renting out your whole body. 

QUINN: _(again offended)_   
EWWWW! I knew it! 

_Disgusted she runs into a rest room and slams the door._

ZANE: _(behind her)_   
Allergy experiments!   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – REST ROOM   
_Inside Quinn is stomping angry around._

QUINN VOICE OVER: _(She looks at the mirror.)_   
Allergy experiments! Renting out my body!…   
Hmm… Let's say I charge 50$ for the First Base, then I need 120 dates for the 6000$.   
Second Base… 200$, that's 30 dates… Third Base… 500$… 12 dates… Home Run… 1000$! No 10'000….   
_(She realizes, that she's now considering a career in an illegal profession.)_   
OHMIGAWD! What I am thinking of? Me becoming a…   
_(She glances at some unfamiliar sanitary devices.)_   
Since when they'd build those things inside the girls room? 

_She realized, that she had run into the men's room and pulls a face. She notes that the door is opening slowly. Full with horror she jumps into the next open toilet cabin and shuts the door, before someone can see her._   
_Joey, Jeffy and Jamie enter the room, pushed by Zane._

ZANE:   
There is no escape. You guys own me some questions! Why are you making romantic advances to Trinity? 

JOEY, JEFFY AND JAMIE: _(perfect unison)_   
How do you found out… ?   
_(they look at each other)_   
What! You are also making a pass on her… ?   
_(they glare at each other)_   
Shut up! Let me speak first! 

ZANE: _(rolls his eyes)_   
How can you guys be interested in her? She is your teacher and 5 years older than you. 

JOEY:   
So what! Are you afraid of some competition? 

ZANE: _(astonish)_   
HUH??? 

JEFFY:   
We have seen you hanging around her car! 

JAMIE:   
You are hitting on her too! 

_Zane realizes and starts a villainous smile. He glances quickly at Quinn's shoes, which are visible to him._

ZANE: _(innocent)_   
Why should I? She isn't that beautiful: She's not as cute as Quinn, whom you usually chase after. I mean: Her eyes are too tiny, her boobs are too small, her legs are too skinny, her hair is too fuzzy, her butt is too flat, her lips are too thin… and her back is a bit crooked. Why does she turn you on? 

_The 3 J's look at each other. Zane had an argument!_

JOEY: _(defending his preferences)_   
… In detail she has flaws, but when you combine them, she becomes perfect! 

JEFFY:   
Yes, she is beautiful and sexy in her own unique way! 

JAMIE:   
She's got a natural cuteness, which makes her hot. 

ZANE:   
You mean: When you put all her imperfections together, then it somehow makes her beautiful? 

JAMIE:   
Yeah. She has natural beauty… Further she must be easy! She was in College! 

_The others J's nod and grin at each other. Zane is not amused._

ZANE: _(sinister)_   
You say she's an easy piece? If I were you I won't use such language in front of the male members of the Lane Clan, who defend the virtue of their women. 

JEFFY:   
Those Lanes are miles away! 

ZANE:   
But what about her youngest brother? 

JOEY:   
We were told, that he ran away from Lawndale years ago. 

ZANE:   
The Lawndale gossip mill told you a lot. But you never were told what really happened to her brother. 

JOEY:   
We know enough! 

JEFFY:   
We know you've kicked him from school… 

JAMIE:   
…all the way to a South America. 

ZANE: _(joyfully sinister)_   
No.   
_OMINOUS MUSIC (THE IMPERIAL MARCH) BUILDS UP_   
*I* am her brother. 

JOEY:   
No! 

JEFFY:   
That's not true! 

JAMIE:   
That's impossible! 

ZANE:   
Search your feelings you know it to be true. 

_The 3 J's realize, that they just have maneuvered themselves into a sticky situation. They decide to run away._

THE 3 J'S: _(leaving the room)_   
Nooooo! Nooooo! 

_Zane is left behind and smirks, then he turns to cabin in which Quinn is hiding._

ZANE:   
Quinn's shoes! You can tell Young-Morgendorffer that her training is complete. 

_He leaves the room. The music of the Imperial March is played again._   


_AFTER SCHOOL:_   
EXT. THE HOME OF THE LANES – AFTERNOON   
_Daria walks into the house and follows the sound of music._

INT. THE HOME OF THE LANES – CELLAR – AFTERNOON   
_Daria walks down the stairs and sees Trinity singing with her electric guitar:_

TRINITY: 

I'm an angel in black, and I sure have a knack,   
for putting your heart on the shelf in the back.   
You are waiting your turn. Oh. When will you learn?   
Your poor heart, I'm giving it freezer burn...   
Yeah...

_After Trinity has finished the song, Daria starts to speak._

DARIA:   
Hey Trinity. 

TRINITY:   
Hey Daria. 

DARIA:   
New song? 

TRINITY:   
Nah, old one. It's called: "Icebox Woman." I and… Jesse wrote it years ago. 

DARIA:   
Before you left the band? 

TRINITY:   
Yeah… we called us Mystik Spiral then… we always wanted to change the name though. I wonder how they call themselves now. 

DARIA:   
You could ask them. 

TRINITY:   
Uh-huh. I could go to their audition. 

_Trinity sits down and Daria does too._

TRINITY:   
Why did you come here? 

DARIA:   
Max and Nick send me. They bribed me with free backstage tickets. They want you back. 

TRINITY:   
What about Jesse? 

DARIA:   
They say it's okay with him. 

TRINITY:   
Jesse never said anything directly to me…   
_(She stares at a wall, then she turns to Daria.)_   
I never paid attention to it, till now. I have realized that, we never talk much. We just exist… it was like a silent understanding. Like magic. Like the Beatles. 

DARIA:   
But in the end even the Beatles needed a lot of drugs to stand the sight of each other. 

TRINITY: _(She thinks about, what Daria said. Then she chuckles and coughs.)_   
Yeah, still. Mystik Spiral was great band… it felt special… There was magic. 

DARIA:   
Do you regret leaving them? 

TRINITY:   
I don't know. I needed to follow my academic career though. 

DARIA:   
Academic career? You can't even remember to have graduated College. 

TRINITY:   
Actually I can't even remember to have graduated High School. Perhaps I shouldn't have left the band at all. Who knows, where I would have been in the last 5 years. 

DARIA:   
Still living over your parent's garage?   
_(she holds her hand in front of her mouth)_   
Sorry. 

TRINITY:   
Maybe you're right, maybe not. 

DARIA:   
Yes. 

_pause_

TRINITY:   
Uhm… did you heard any stories about Jesse and me? 

DARIA:   
Yeah, and they were quite disturbing, disgusting, trivial and shocking. 

TRINITY: _(smirks)_   
As long they are entertaining…Do you want to know the truth? 

DARIA:   
…   
No. I don't need to. 

TRINITY: _(she stands up, and puts her hand on Daria's shoulder)_   
Thank you Daria. I always kind of felt you understood the way I think. 

_They both smile at each other._

DARIA VOICE OVER:   
If she were a guy then I would… W H A T A M I T H I N K I N G ! ! !   


_LATER THAT DAY:_   
INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – KITCHEN – EVENING   
_The family is having a lasagna dinner._

QUINN:   
Yes, I'm not perfect, even my nose has inperfections. 

JAKE:   
That's imperfections sweetie. 

QUINN:   
Whatever, but these *IM*perfections combined make me perfect! 

DARIA: _(mutters)_   
Like: "The Sum of all Fears." 

HELEN:   
I am so proud for you Quinn, that you have found such a healthy attitude towards your looks. 

QUINN:   
Yes, I don't need *any* plastic surgery. Well perhaps later, when I leave College… but not now. 

DARIA:   
And the fact that just this afternoon Brook suffered a nasal relapse, has nothing to do with this new attitude? 

QUINN: _(a bit with malicious joy)_   
Ah yes, I heard it from Tiffany, who knows it from Doug, who was told from Brenda, whose cousin works in the emergency room. Her whole new nose just caved in. You could like see her brain. And her liposuctioned lips and her new liposuctioned waist, the whole fat on the top, slipped down to the bottom. Now she looks like one of those beer dogs on TV. 

JAKE: _(in the style of Homer Simpson)_   
Hmm, beer.   
_(He stands up and walks to the fridge.)_

HELEN:   
That's horrible! The poor girl. 

QUINN:   
Maybe I should send her flowers or something. 

HELEN:   
Well Quinn, I like your newfound attitude. You're open to life's possibilities. 

QUINN:   
Well, I don't want to take all the credit. I couldn't have found to such perception, if it wasn't for Zane, Joey, Jeffy and Johnny. They thought me today an important lesson inside the boys room… 

_Daria and Helen stare at her with huge eyes._

QUINN: _(blushes)_   
Eep! You are misunderstanding me! Don't look at me like *that*! EWW! 

_She runs upstairs._   


_LATER THAT EVENING:_   
INT. THE ZON – NIGHT   
_Scarcely little people are at this joint. Jesse, Max and Nick sit at their instruments, while watching a guy with a guitar, which performs in front of them._

PUNK FROM THE EPISODE CAFÉ DISAFFECTO: _(plays guitar and sings)_   
Can't stand your lips! Can't stand your eyes! Can't stand your teeth! Can't stand your thighs! The girl I love!!!   
_(He finishes his song, by smashing his guitar on the stage floor.)_

JESSE:   
Cool. He is good! 

NICK:   
You're hired. 

PUNK FROM THE EPISODE "CAFÉ DISAFFECTO":   
Just a question. Did you perform in Dakota under the name: "Edgy Criminals"? 

MAX:   
Yeah! We're also known as the "Edgy Criminals"! We live life on the edge! We're gonna take you down! 

JESSE AND NICK:   
Shhht. Shut up! 

PUNK FROM THE EPISODE "CAFÉ DISAFFECTO":   
Man you guys were *the* losers. 

_He walks off the stage._

JESSE:   
Cool. That I call style. Who is next? 

NICK: _(looking at his list)_   
… What Max Taylor??? But you are the drummer! 

MAX:   
Yeah! So what? The drummer of Genesis, Phil Collins also ended up as lead singer. 

NICK:   
Well, you certainly got his *good* looks. 

MAX:   
Yeah…   
_(he realizes the insult)_   
HEY! 

_The door opens and Trinity with her electric guitar walks in, Daria follows her._

MAX:   
Whoa Trinity and her girlfriend…   
_(Nick elbows him)_   
…her friend Daria. 

TRINITY:   
Hey. 

JESSE, MAX AND NICK:   
Hey. 

_She walks to Jesse and hands him a plastic bag. He looks inside._

JESSE: _(smiles)_   
It's the shirt you own me… thank you. 

TRINITY:   
Yeah, 100% cotton.   
_(While Jesse dresses himself she turns to the others.)_   
Need a guitarist? 

NICK:   
Which song you want to play? 

TRINITY:   
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" 

_She plugs her guitar in and starts to play. It sounds abstract. Soon rest of the band join in. Weird noise fills the room and Daria decided to go outside, to listen some street noise. The music goes on and sounds awful, so awful, that even Generation X would have join the army, so awful that even the Backstreet Boys sounds good, so awful that... It somehow DOES sound good. So the band played on, since it was their version and nobody could take it from them…_

EXT. THE ZON – NIGHT   
_Outside Daria nearly bumps into Zane._

ZANE: _(he nods at the Zon)_   
What have you done with my sister? 

DARIA:   
What have you done with *my* sister? 

ZANE:   
I've fixed her up. 

DARIA:   
I don't want to know how you did it. But I'll tell you this: You're paying for my therapy. 

ZANE:   
By the way, did Trinity told you what went on between her and Jesse? 

DARIA:   
It's confidential Zane. 

ZANE:   
Hey! I was confidential to you too. 

DARIA:   
Well, confidentially Zane, everything you tell me is in complete confidence, so equally: Everything Trinity tells me is also in complete confidence, as indeed everything I tell you is in complete confidence, and for that matter everything I tell Trinity is in complete confidence. 

ZANE:   
So? 

DARIA:   
So in complete confidence, I am confident that you understand that for me to keep Trinity's confidence and your confidence, means that conversations between her and me must be completely confidential, as confidential in fact as conversations between you and me are completely confidential. 

ZANE:   
You mean she didn't tell you? 

DARIA:   
I mean it's girls-business. So shoo! Shoo! 

_Zane smiles at her and Daria pretends ignoring it. After the end of the song, they enter the Zon again._   


INT. THE ZON – NIGHT   
_Inside Daria and Zane see, that the band is pleased with their achievement._

JESSE, MAX AND NICK:   
YEAH! 

TRINITY: _(proud)_   
Whoa! Like in old days. 

_CLOSE UP OF TRINITY'S SMILING FACE_   
_MUSIC: "THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD" BY "PRINCE"_   
_FADE OUT___

THE END __

  
__

_CLOSING CREDITS._   


END NOTES:   
There will be 12 Episodes, which will range from Season 1 to Season 5 of the original Daria series. All the other episodes are skipped, since I have got no intention to rewrite 65 episodes and 2 TV-movies.   
If you have any questions, corrections and/or comments, then please E-Mail me under: ace_trax@yahoo.de   
When you want to see the fanart then go to: copyright owner of the TV-Series "Daria" is MTV.   
I have no connection with the copyright owners and I don't have the legal rights to use their material. This fanfiction story was done without   
authorization, permission or approval by their respective copyright owners. 

AUTHOR'S COPYRIGHT:   
Please note that this fanfiction is a derivative work, so it is protected by copyright law as long as the words and syntax are novel. That means:   
Me, as the author of this work do not own the pre-existing copyrighted stuff, but I do own the whole rest. Those are all the novel words and   
syntax, which make the story.   
This story is not for profit, it is a work of pure fandom, without any financial interests.   
Any financial or other uses of this document without the specific permission of the authors (me and the other copyright owners) are forbidden.   
Text Copyright © 2004, Ace Trax. All rights reserved. 

THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:   
Thanks to the creative minds of MTV, who gave the world the best TV-series of all time: "The Osbournes". 


End file.
